


We'll Be Alright

by Darksknight



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-03
Updated: 2016-09-03
Packaged: 2018-08-12 17:25:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7942903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darksknight/pseuds/Darksknight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve sees a flash of metal in the dark, illuminated by lightning. It's only Bucky, sitting out alone on the couch. "Steve.” He says, and his brows draw together in a small ‘v.’ “I’m not a good person, am I?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	We'll Be Alright

The storm wakes Steve suddenly- a loud crack of thunder has him sitting up in bed with a gasp, heart hammering. For one irrational second he thinks he’s in the trenches again, and somethings just exploded a ways down. His hands fist in the covers and he realizes he’s home. Through the blinds on his window he can see it’s raining outside.

Rubbing his forehead, he slips out of bed, cringing at the cold of the hardwood floor against his bare feet. He knows he won’t be able to go back to sleep even though it’s only- he takes a glance at his alarm clock- three twenty-nine am. He begins towards the living room and kitchen, intent on starting a pot of coffee and maybe reading a book. He leaves his room quietly and steps out into the dimly lit main room.

He sees a flash of metal in the dark, illuminated by lightning. Steve startles before realizing it’s only Bucky, sitting on the couch, staring at the huge windows as the storm batters the side of the building. He doesn’t so much as flinch at the loud crash of thunder that shakes the air. He stares. He waits. 

Steve approaches him with a sigh. He can tell Bucky’s lost inside his own head again; frozen on the outside completely. It happens to the best of them, but none so much as Bucky. He knows the kinds of things Hydra did to him, but there are things that even Steve doesn’t know about. Some days, he’s not so sure he wants to know. 

He calls out, “Buck,” to announce his presence. Bucky turns his head to look at the noise, but doesn’t seem otherwise affected. “Hey, it’s me. Steve.” 

He blinks. 

Steve smiles and slides onto the couch up next to Bucky. He reaches tentatively for Bucky’s hand, but the metal jerks away from him before he can touch it. Bucky doesn’t usual recoil from Steve’s touch, and it gives Steve pause. He feels his mouth tug down at the corners. 

“Bucky?”

“I think-“ Bucky chokes. His face breaks from the ice and turns to concerned confusion. He looks down at his hands. “I think I might have killed someone, Stevie.”

Steve is quiet. Sometimes Bucky doesn’t know when it is, or where he is, or what he’s done. He’s getting so much better, but the things they did to him won’t disappear over night. There will always be bad days like this; all they can hope for is few with long periods of calm in between. He scoots a little closer to Bucky on the couch, so that Buck can feel his heat and know he’s not alone. Steve waits for him to go on; Bucky always does. 

“Ya’ see I- I remember all this red. All this blood. And there was a woman. I think- I think I might’ve-“ And he pulls in a long, rattling breath, “I think maybe two women. W-with a knife.” His hands shake on his lap. He looks back out at the storm. “Why’d I do that?”

“It wasn’t your fault,” Steve starts, gently. 

“But I did it.” He turns to look Steve dead in the eye. “Didn’t I?”

Thunder cracks loudly through the living room, and lightning follows in a bright electric flash. Steve jumps, but Bucky is a rock, staring at the storm without being there at all. Steve swallows, hard.

“You might have.” He admits, quietly. 

“Might have.” Bucky nods. Nods, and nods, and nods. He can’t seem to stop. “Yeah.”

Steve reaches out and touches Bucky’s jaw gently. He stops nodding and pushes his head into the touch. Steve cups Bucky’s cheek and scoots a little closer, so that they’re pressed together at the sides. He looks Bucky in the eye when he speaks, quiet and sobering.

He says, “Anything you did back then doesn’t matter.” Bucky opens his mouth to protest, but Steve says, “Not to me.”

Bucky looks down at his lap.

The wind howls. 

“Hey,” Steve starts. “Um, do you remember the other day?” It’s the best way to ground him in the moment, Steve knows, and by getting him to concentrate on something happy that happened recently, he’s usually able to flip Bucky’s mood. 

Bucky blinks. “The other day?” He smiles, teasingly- a small piece of his old self that’s survived it all. “You’re gonna have ta’ be more specific than that, pal.” He still sounds hollow.

“When we went out for ice cream? And they had, they had-“

“Frozen yogurt.” Bucky remembers. He smiles a little, shaking his head. “Yeah. That was… that was weird.”

“So weird, right?” Steve laughs. “What’s the difference between that and ice cream, you know? Like, why does it exist? When did that happen?”

Bucky shakes his head. “They got frozen everything now, Stevie, you don’t know the half of it. Frozen soup, frozen salad, frozen- frozen pizzas.” He grins, sly, and punches Steve lightly in the shoulder as he says, “Frozen beef-cakes.”

Steve can’t help but laugh at that one. 

“What is that Stark calls you?” Bucky continues. His smile grows. “Captain Icicle? No- it was capsicle wasn’t it?” He laughs a little, under his breath. Sobering, he says, “Guess we’re a matching set like that, huh? Since both of us‘ve been on ice…”

Steve stops laughing. What happened to him wasn’t on purposed- he thought it would be the end when he put the plane down in the water. What happened to Bucky was very much intentional. “Buck,” He starts, heart sick.

“Capsicle and Frosty.” Bucky says, with a bit of his old humor. “We could be frozen yogurt flavors.”

“They had some weird ones.” Steve admits. “What would Frosty taste like?”

“Memory loss and muscles.”

Steve rolls his eyes. “Buck-“

“Bad manners and unkept hair.”

“For crying out loud.” He pushes Bucky over, but Bucky bounces back and shoves Steve aside playfully. Steve decides he likes laying down and worms one foot behind Bucky while the other lays on his lap. Seeing Bucky’s grin he says, “What would I taste like? Old asthma and freedom speeches?”

Bucky throws back his head and laughs at that one. Shaking his head, he quiets down significantly, looking back out the window with a half-smile still in place. Lightning flashes, illuminating his ice-blue eyes for a second. Bucky blinks, which is always a good sign, and then turns to look at Steve. He says, “No, if you were a flavor, you’d be apple pie.”

“That’s already a flavor. Apple pie flavor. You’ve at least gotta combine two flavors to make a new one.” He grins. “Capsicle is its own unique taste, Buck.”

“Yeah?” Bucky moves his legs and then stretches out over Steve. He grins, hands braced on either side of Steve’s head, and leans closer. He’s cast in shadows the next time lightning flashes. Steve’s heart skips a beat. 

“Y-yeah.”

“I’d love a taste.” He says, quietly. 

Steve can’t handle it. He shoves Bucky, playfully, and laughs when the other man lands on his chest with a loud ‘oomph.’ “Serves you right.” Steve says, ruffling his hair. 

Bucky doesn’t move; he just curls up on top of Steve, arms looping around his neck while he tangles their legs together. For a long moment, they stay like that- an island of warmth and long-past memories in the midsts of the storm. When Bucky doesn’t move or say anything for a long while, though, Steve gets a little tense. 

“Bucky?”

“Hm?”

Steve sits up, forcing Bucky to go as well. He ignores Bucky’s groan of protest and puts his hands on Bucky’s shoulders, moving him so that their eyes line up. Bucky doesn’t look lost; just tired. Still, he asks, “You okay, Buck?”

Bucky gives a small smile. “M’ alright.”

Steve finds himself pushing the hair out of Bucky’s face. Bucky turns into his touch again. His mouth skims the bottom of Steve’s palm, but he doesn’t seem to notice, or care. Steve’s heart leaps up into his throat. 

Bucky stares outside at the rain. 

Another peel of thunder shakes the windowpane, but Bucky doesn’t seem disturbed by it. “Steve.” He says, and his brows draw together in a small ‘v.’ 

“Hm?” He continues to smooth Bucky’s hair back.

“I’m not a good person, am I?”

“What?” Steve pauses, had on the side of Bucky’s face, but Bucky doesn’t lean into the touch like before. “Bucky, Buck, no, no, you’re great. You’re the best man I know. Honest.”

He shakes his head. “It’s so awful, Steve. I’m fine for a couple of minutes and then I move just right and muscle memory kicks in, shows me dead bodies. Feeds me screams and bleeding voices. I can’t stand it.” He shakes his head again, eyes lost in the storm. They look glassy in the pale light coming in through the window. “Can’t stand it.”

“Hey,” Steve says. He scoots forwards, until his legs are thrown over Bucky’s sides. He holds Bucky’s face in both hands and turns his gaze away from the windows. “We’ll make it through this.”

Bucky looks down at his lap. He blinks, and starts crying. 

“Oh, Buck.” Steve puts their foreheads together, fingers tangling in the hair at the nape of Bucky’s neck. He strokes Bucky’s cheekbone with his thumb. “It’s gonna be okay.”

“What if it’s not okay?” He says. “What if I’m always like this? You’re gonna get tired of your dead best friend being cracked up, Steve. What happens then? What happens when my broken brain gets to be a drag you just don’t wanna put up with anymore, huh? What then?”

“Ain’t gonna happen,” He says, and he’s surprised by the fierceness in his own voice. “I told you, Buck. I’m with you till’ the end of the line. Even if it’s always like this, I don’t care. I don’t. I won’t leave you so long as you let me stay. I’m never gonna stop loving you.”

“Steve…” His lashes flutter open, tears dancing on the dark collection of hairs before they fall. He bites his bottom lip, teeth white and bright even in the dark. He meets Steve’s eyes for a minute. “Steve,” he breathes, and then he leans forwards just barely. Their noses brush, Bucky’s eyes slam closed, and their lips meet.

A kiss.

Steve freezes. His heart stops, his eyes go wide. He thinks he can feel his brain short-circuit. Bucky makes a small noise of panic and moves to draw away, saying, “I thought-“ but suddenly all Steve’s systems are back online and he realizes. 

Bucky just kissed him.

He chases Bucky’s mouth as he draws away, mashing their lips together in a click of teeth and warm spit. It’s the worst kiss he’s even given in his entire life, and it’s the _best_. His heart swells and bursts like the fourth of July in his chest as his body hums with a sudden warmth. 

“Oh Buck,” He breathes. He pulls away just to dive back in. His trembling fingers brush away errant tears as he presses a chaste kiss to Bucky’s lips. Another kiss, another, another, and then he stays put, opening his mouth to Bucky as there’s suddenly a metal hand at the back of his neck anchoring him in place. 

He feels Bucky’s tongue and he has a brief recollection of the loud girls a table away, who never thought that Steve would hear them, bragging and giggling about what a thing James Barnes’ kisses were. He’d never understood the hype until this exact moment; when Bucky is sucking at his bottom lip and using just the right amount of teeth to keep things electric. 

Thunder booms. They both jump, drawing apart for a fraction of a second to breath out laughs. They lurch back into each other, grasping desperately for a shoulder, for a jaw, for the back of a neck, for each other. 

“I didn’t think you-“ Bucky says.

Steve grins against Bucky’s mouth. “Me either.”

“How long?” Bucky breathes.

“How long have I wanted this?” He laughs. “Dunno Buck. Don’t remember a set point. Just remember loving you forever. No clue when it changed into _this_.”

“Me too,” Bucky says, and he actually sounds happy. It’s enough to make Steve want to cry. “I’ve loved you since forever.”

They kiss again. This time it’s with more finesse. Their teeth don’t clink and Bucky does something with his tongue that makes Steve wonder if they can just stay this forever; curled up on the couch kissing like it’s all they have. Bucky pulls back, though, panting, laughing, and presses his wet face into Steve’s shoulder. They hug, rocking a little. 

“I love you.” Bucky says. 

“I love you, too.” Steve presses a kiss to the top of his head. “Tired?”

Bucky nods. 

Steve leans back on the couch and lets Bucky curl up on top of him. They pull a blanket off of the back of the couch and almost manage to cover the majority of their bodies with it, kissing each other’s necks and cheeks and foreheads- clumsy and overeager. They clutch at one another like they’d be lost if they didn’t.

“We’ll be alright.” Steve whispers. 

“Yeah.” Bucky agrees. He sounds like maybe he believes it this time.

The storm rages on. For the first time in a long, long time, they sleep. 

 

Fin 


End file.
